Honesty. Raw honesty. That's what I think. If it is too planned... what do we yet.
One of my personal strengths is connecting to people. I connect through openness and love.
Here goes:
My big sister has a huge mass on her ovary. She may have cancer. She lives in Massachusetts. I feel helpless. All I can do is love her. Support her. Tell her I am here. It's hard. I'm sad. I keep remembering our great moments together. I know she will be okay. I just feel it. But this is causing a lot of reflection and heartfelt sadness. I have been holding it in. Being a mom, a teacher, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a wife.
Today I apparently snapped. Ben did something I felt was disrespectful to me and I lost it. I yelled at him. He cried. We were almost late for school. He was sad going into class. I feel like a horrible mom. I am crying as I write this.
UGH, how can I leave my house to teach yoga and tell people to be good, be present, spread love when I did that?
I am human, I know. But so so sad.
I am picking Ben up from school after my noon class - he has a dentist appointment. I will hug him.
I am so sad.
Much love to you JL. My thoughts are with you and your sister!
ReplyDeleteOh JL. :( Love and peace to you. When I found out my Dad had terminal cancer I felt fear and anger and grief. It can come out in strange ways. It just means you're human...not a bad mom.
ReplyDeleteOh JL - of course you snapped! This is a lot to deal with! I'm so sorry.
ReplyDeleteIt's not too late to tell Ben that you're sorry you snapped, that you could've handled it better, and that his being disrespectful is still not permitted.
Tell him you need him to be your ally right now, when you are dealing with this news. Of course it is hard on all of you.
Ben won't be damaged for life. My mother died when I was 12, and my father when I was 13. I look back on times that my mom snapped at me, and I think, "Hm. I probably deserved it." And I sort of chuckle about it. I know they loved me, they told me so all the time. ...Ben knows you love him. Children just do.
Ben will have times in his life when he'll snap at the people he loves. (Don't we all?) I suppose today you can teach him how to get back on track after that happens.
As for your sister: I'm sending love and good messages and positive vibes your way. I'm a prayer person too, so you'll get some of those.
Mwah and hugs and love.
Thanks friends.
ReplyDeleteFrances - I truly appreciate the love.
Tess - Thank you - Im so sorry about your dad. I appreciate you sharing and loving me.
Andrea - You are such a good friend. Thank you for being open and loving enough to tell me all of this. It helps alot. I am crying as I read about you... You are just amazing friend. amazing. Prayers work. I know this. :)
Oh my. You and your sister and your entire family are in my prayers. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you both. It makes sense that you're feeling all jumbled up.
ReplyDeleteKnow that your honesty & openness about all the imperfections that go along with being human are what makes people feel connected to you. It's the reason so many people like being around you... because you make others feel like it's ok to be who they are- imperfect and all.
And Ben is blessed because he has a mom who is a great model of how we make amends when we make mistakes. He already knows that hug is coming.
Take care, JL.
I'm praying for your sister, and you, and sending lots of love your way. It's wonderful, and brave, to set such high standards for oneself as mother, wife, teacher (and every other job title), but it also opens one up to harsh self-criticism when one misses the mark even a little. Be patient with yourself. Try not to deprive yourself of your own love when what you're dealing with is difficult enough. =) hugs!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about your sister. I'll send prayers and positive thoughts to her and to you. One of my sisters and one of my sisters-in-law had several scary health issues the past few years. I remember how worried and sad I felt then. Take care of yourself.
ReplyDeleteAll moms have those moments when we yell at our kids and wish we could take back those moments. I have definitely done the same myself. You're human. I have to tell Amelia sometimes, "I'm not perfect. I'm human and have times when I say the wrong thing. I'm really sorry." I think it can be an important learning moment for kids when they realize that the people who love them most can say the wrong thing sometimes. It's obvious what a wonderful mom you are. Take Care and hope things are looking up for you again soon. :)
I'm really sorry to hear you are having a rough week, JL. Your sister is certainly in my thoughts. I think during times like this - it is natural to feel helpless. But, your sister needs you and you are not helpless. This is coming from someone who has been sick firsthand and also served as a support to other family members going through similar situations. Your job is to love and care about her. She also wants you to continue to spread joy just like you are doing.
ReplyDeleteBen is one smart cookie. He knows his mama is having a rough time. You are an amazing mum and we are all human. No one is perfect and by you hugging him, you are showing that we all make mistakes at times. Ben is going to grow up to be such a phenomenal person because of the way you’ve raised him.
Sorry, JL. Stay positive and know that you bring smiles to others. Like you said in class last night, remember to take a little time for yourself as well.